


Java

by Flamingbluepanda



Category: Friends (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexuality, Chandler Bing has Anxiety, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, Fluff, Good Ross, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change, Series Rewrite, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Trans Characters, like severe anxiety, someone get this boy a therapist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:48:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21822442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flamingbluepanda/pseuds/Flamingbluepanda
Summary: At age 13, five people got their names. Two panicked, two were excited, one denied the whole thing, and one additional person never got a name.This is their story.(Or, the canon divergent friends soulmate au that got out of hand)
Relationships: Chandler Bing/Joey Tribbiani, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Monica Geller/Multiple, Phoebe Buffay/Mike Hannigan, Ross Geller/Rachel Green, Susan Bunch/Carol Willick
Comments: 16
Kudos: 206





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I should not be starting this but By God I Want It To Exist. So here it is! The friends soulmate au that I've been working on since I marathoned friends a few months ago. 
> 
> Dedicated to my girlfriend, who made me watch friends for the first time and patiently listened to me ramble about this au constantly.

Ross Gellar’s parents celebrated his thirteenth birthday the same way one would celebrate the ending of a war. There was a metric ton of food, including a delicious cake made especially by Monica. For once his parents weren’t overbearing, Monica smiled the whole day, and Ross spent the day running around with his friends. 

At midnight, his dad and Monica stayed awake with him, waiting eagerly for his name to appear. Like clockwork, as the clock struck midnight, the name branded itself across his wrist. His dad clapped him on the shoulder, and Monica laughed and teased him about his wife to be. 

Ross didn’t show her the actual name, he knew she would tease him more. 

_ Rachel.  _

Ross wasn’t sure if it was Monica’s friend or not, but whoever she was? He loved her already. 

* * *

Joey’s name came in the middle of dinner, he almost choked on his birthday cake. 

As his dad thumped him on the back, Joey waved his wrist around excitedly, and his sisters all started shrieking and jumping from their seats to see his name. Joey finally caught his second wind, and tried to pull his arm back from his grasp, only to have someone- probably Mary Anna, who was mad at him for some inexplicable reason- nearly pull him off his chair. 

His ma chastised his sisters, and Joey finally snatched his arm back, staring at the delicate cursive name in wonder.

He’d kick himself for it later, but at that moment, with all his thirteen-year-old wisdom- 

“Hey ma, what the heck kind of a name is  _ Chandler?”  _

* * *

Chandler Bing’s name came early, and he spent his birthday claiming he had a stomach bug. 

In reality, he was terrified. It couldn’t be true, it couldn’t be true, it couldn’t be- he couldn’t stand it, he couldn’t stand the look the maid gave him when she brought him soup, he couldn’t bear thinking about what his mom would say, what his- 

For the first time in a while, he was glad his parents were gone. He couldn’t- he  _ couldn’t- _

Finally, in a panic, he did something he swore never to do. 

He called his dad. 

_ “-what do I do, oh god, I can’t breathe-“ _

_ “Chandler, just calm down baby.” _

_ “I can’t, I can’t do this,” _

_ “Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay, baby. It’s okay. Chandler. Chandler. You’re gonna be alright. It isn’t the end of the world, I promise.” _

Course not. After all, Chandler would probably end up in Vegas with him- her?- with a name like  _ Joseph  _ on his wrist. 

* * *

Ursula had decided long ago that her sister was a weirdo, and Phoebe had never bothered to change her mind about that. So what if she was weird? So what if she never got over the loss of their mom? So what if she talked to animals? 

Ursula and Phoebe's thirteenth birthday arrived in an alley, and like most things with them, their names appeared right at the same time. 

Ursula immediately jumped and screamed, excited about her destined  _ person.  _

But Phoebe… didn’t want to look. 

What was a name on her wrist to tell her who to be with? What good did a  _ soulmate  _ bring anyhow? Mom had never talked about her names, had been abandoned by everyone, and she was _dead_ now- 

“Phoebe! Pheebs what does yours say?” 

Ursula reached for her wrist and Phoebe snatched it out of her reach, clapping her left hand over her right wrist. 

_ Nope. Nope nope nopenopenope. _

Defiantly, Phoebe stared her sister in the eye as she ripped a strip off her shirt and tied it around her wrist. She vowed to never look. 

Soulmates. Who needed them? 

* * *

Rachel was there for the whole day on her birthday, and for the first time that Monica could remember, her mom spent all day focused on  _ her.  _ They went shopping, Monica made dinner, they ate cake. 

She kept eagerly checking her wrist, not wanting to miss the moment she found out the name of her soulmate. 

The clock ticked forward. 

Rachel and Monica and her mother stayed up all night, waiting. 

The clock ticked past midnight. 

Monica’s mother had to leave the room, Rachel gave her a hug while Monica resolutely stared at her wrist all night, willing something to happen.

The sun rose. The name never came.

* * *

Rachel Greene almost didn’t invite Monica to her thirteenth birthday. 

Ever since Monica turned thirteen, Rachel had carefully not mentioned the date at all. Ross, all their friends- even mister and missus Gellar didn’t mention birthdays or names or anything to Monica.

On her thirteenth birthday, Monica showed up at her house with pancakes and a determined look on her face, and Rachel hoped she and Monica would never grow apart. 

They were getting dressed for Rachel’s party when she felt the name burn across her wrist, and Rachel yelped in surprise. 

Monica’s head snapped around to see her, and Rachel gave her a guilty look- Monica had wanted a soulmate more than anything, and there was Rachel, all soulmated up. 

Monica watched her, then forced a smile on her face. “Well? Who is it?!”

Rachel gave her a smile and then peeked. And then frowned. She showed it to Monica, who blanched. 

“You don’t think-“

“No way, there’s a hundred of them in the world. There’s no way.” 

_ Ross.  _ Her soulmate was named Ross. Rachel swore Monica to secrecy, and then they went down to her birthday party. 


	2. Dollar Store Bride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A group of friends in their twenties meet a soaking wet not-bride and their lives change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is probably how this story is gonna go. Long spaces and then a mega chapter. I have a tendency to ramble, sorry.
> 
> People really want me to do some Chanoey angst, and don't worry, they'll get their plot arc, but uhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm a slut for cute shit. sorry not sorry.
> 
> Dedicated to my job, where I can watch friends reruns while trying to stay awake. Not dedicated to netflix, who fucking took friends away

Joey Tribbiani was a man who liked a great many things- in fact, it would be a much shorter task to name the things he  _ didn’t  _ like, as he found himself liking almost anything he came across- but for such a passionate person, he really only  _ loved  _ a few things. 

He loved New York, he loved acting, he loved eating, he  _ loved  _ sex and he  _ loved  _ his family- both by blood (seven sisters and dozens of nieces and nephews included), and the family he had sitting around him right now. He didn’t want to necessarily rank his friends, but if he absolutely  _ had to,  _ he’d very regretfully put Ross at the bottom of the totem pole. A few weeks ago he would’ve been higher, but with Carol’s coming out and the whole divorce thing, Ross had said a few… unthoughtful things, about gay people. The kind of things that, were Ross not Joey's  _ very good friend,  _ Joey would punch his teeth in for.

On the next spot was Monica, who always made him food. Currently, she was loudly proclaiming to her friends that the date they were all prodding her about was “really just someone I work with, it’s nothing huge.” 

“Then why won’t you tell us more?” The counter came from Phoebe, Joey’s second favorite person on the planet. Phoebe Buffay just… understood him, in a way that not many people did. Joey wasn’t the smartest, and Pheobe was the only one who didn’t always make him feel a bit dumb.

And then, there was Chandler, the only person who Joey would admit to holding above the others. Chandler’s hand was clasped in his, and he was sprawled casually on the arm of the chair with half his body leaning on Joey’s shoulder. Joey grinned up at him, then looked at Monica, “c’mon, you’re gonna go out with him, there’s gotta be  _ something  _ wrong with him.” 

Monica shot him a glare, and Chandler grinned at her “does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?”

“Oh wait, does he eat chalk?! I don’t want you to go through what I went through with Carl.” Phoebe shuddered at the memory, and Monica threw her hands up. “Oh alright, quit it, all of you! It’s not even a  _ date,  _ it’s just two people, eating dinner and… not having sex.” 

“Sounds like any date I’ve ever been on,” Chandler quipped immediately, and Joey frowned up at him, poking him sharply in the ribs. Chandler glanced down and rolled his eyes, tightening his fingers around Joey’s hand. “Present company excluded.” 

“Joey would never leave anyone unsatisfied, not even in a dream,” Phoebe said, eyes taking on a little bit of a glaze. Joey immediately sat up straighter, grinning widely. “Oh yeah? How would you know that Pheebs?”

Phoebe threw him a saucy wink, and Chandler gently smacked Joey upside the head. Joey whined and turned back to him. “What was that for?!”

“Well I can’t hit Phoebe, she’s across the room. And hitting ladies is wrong.” Chandler leaned over and kissed the back of Joey’s head. “Better?” 

Joey’s grin softened, and he nodded “better, though I bit my lip when you hit me so my mouth kinda-“ 

“Oh, would you just come here?” Chandler gave him a quick peck, then straightened and launched into a story about a weird dream he had. 

Joey did a cursory glance around, grin still firmly on his face. He and Chandler were pretty common patrons at Central Perk, so most regulars had seen them kiss before- and on one memorable occasion, make out- but they still got nasty looks, and the occasional comment. Chandler still was… really cautious about coming out, and about being seen as gay. With good reason- he had one of those big corporate jobs that meant he could never talk about Joey at work, and he had to cover the name on his wrist with a watch or makeup. And Chandler’s job didn’t even touch on all the emotional issues.

Joey had spoken with Chandler’s dad, and she was nice enough. But god if she hadn’t messed with Chandler’s brain.

Joey’s head went up when Ross came in, grumbling a despondent  _ hey  _ as he flopped on the couch. 

“This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself,” Joey said, and Chandler and Phoebe snorted. Ross gave him a sour look, and Monica patted his shoulder. “Carol moved her stuff out today.” 

Chandler winced, and Joey gave Ross a sincere look. “Sorry man.” 

Chandler looked at him “is she still-“

“A lesbian? Yeah.” Ross grumbled, then looked up at Joey and Chandler’s blinking faces and said “not that there’s anything wrong with that! It’s just- when she never showed me her name, I just assumed- I don’t know man!” Ross cried, burying his face in his hands. Monica rubbed his shoulder sympathetically, and Phoebe sprung up from her chair to perch herself on the arm of the couch and start plucking the air around Ross’ head, clicking her tongue. 

“Pheebs, stop cleansing my aura,” Ross grumbled, and Phoebe huffed but obligingly stopped. 

“Look, man, how about this, okay? Joey and I come over to your new apartment, we help you unpack all your stuff, we build furniture, drink beer, be straight and help you forget all about Carol.” Chandler offered, and Joey had to stifle a laugh. Ross gave them a small but grateful smile. “Thanks, dude, that sounds great. But that’s the problem, y’know? I don’t  _ want  _ to forget Carol. I love her, we were married for seven years. I miss that I just- I just, I want to be married again.” 

And, as if cued by some unseeable force, the door to Central Perk burst open, and a woman in a soaking wet wedding dress came running into the coffee shop. 

Without missing a beat, Chandler turned his face skyward and said “I want a  _ million  _ dollars, please just- now. Please.” 

He also let go of Joey’s hand, although it seemed reluctant. Joey sighed as Chandler quickly but calmly shifted his position to something more platonic. 

“Rachel?” Monica asked, climbing to her feet. “Rachel  _ Greene?”  _

The girl in the wedding dress turned, smiling brightly. “Monica! Oh, Monica hi-“ 

The pair hugged- although Monica looked a little shocked- and a confused but polite waitress came over and asked if she could get them coffee. Monica pointed to Rachel and flatly ordered a decaf. 

The pair turned and Monica smiled- a tad awkwardly, but with genuine intent. “Guys, this is Rachel Greene, another Lincoln High survivor. Rachel this is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and-“

“Ross, Hi!” Rachel interrupted, and Ross grinned, rising to hug her, only for his umbrella to open and them both to stumble back a few steps. Ross sat back down, looking dazed, and Rachel plopped down into the seat next to him. They all stared at her, waiting, and finally, Monica cleared her throat and leaned forward. “So are you gonna explain now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?” 

Rachel launched into an anxiety-fueled story about her wedding, and gravy boats and some guy named Barry. Joey nudged Chandler, mouthed  _ “straight people, huh?”  _ At him, and Chandler had to hide his laugh in his cup of coffee. 

“- and I knew you lived in the city, so I came looking for you! I went to your apartment but you weren’t there, and a big guy with a hammer said you might be here, and here you are!”

She said it like it was the best thing in the world, and of course, Monica, being Monica, replied with “you knew where I lived and you still didn’t invite me to the wedding, huh?”

Rachel choked on her coffee, and Monica was watching her with fond eyes despite her teasing and suddenly, somehow, in a rare moment of clarity, Joey knew that Rachel was gonna join the ranks of people he loved.

* * *

They all headed back to Monica’s apartment and Ross found that he couldn’t stop watching Rachel. Rachel  _ Greene.  _ Rachel Greene who he’d been in love with since he was 14. Rachel Greene who’s first name was on his wrist. Rachel Greene with her adorable nose and warm hands and beautiful hair and gorgeous eyes and wit and who had loved his sister when even Ross had trouble. 

Rachel Greene who was telling her Dad that she didn’t want to be a shoe, she wanted to be a hat, no daddy she didn’t want a hat, it’s a metaphor goddammit. 

“I can see how he’d have trouble,” Ross commented, more to himself than anyone. He turned back to the couches, where his other friends were watching Spanish soaps that they couldn’t understand. Joey had crawled into Chandler’s lap, and Ross felt the slowly-becoming-familiar pang in his chest as he thought of Carol. 

Ugh. 

“Well, maybe I’ll just stay here with Monica then!” Rachel shouted into the phone, and Monica blinked in surprise, mumbling “I guess we’ve established she’s staying here with Monica.” 

But Ross didn’t  _ care,  _ he absolutely did not  _ care  _ about how unrealistic it was for Rachel to just move into Monica’s guest room and live with them from now on, because Rachel was  _ staying,  _ she was in his  _ life  _ again and he would get to come over and bask in her glory, and  _ that  _ was the best possible thing that could ever happen. Ever. Ross wanted to jump for joy and dance around- but of course, that would be completely inappropriate, since Rachel was plopping down onto the couch looking like she was about to cry. 

“I think I just got cut off,” She said mournfully, and before Ross could get there, Joey reached out and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Hey, don’t worry! You’ve got all of us! And hey, if you need  _ anything,  _ you can come right to Joey. Chandler and I live right across the hall.” 

He winked for emphasis. Ross glared at him- he had his own soulmate, stop stealing his!

Chandler noticed, smirked at Ross, and then stood up, tossing Joey off his lap and onto the floor. Ross bit back a laugh- Monica and Rachel didn’t bother. 

“Oh don’t be mean!” Phoebe protested, but she was laughing too. Joey sat up and pouted “I meant for  _ food!  _ She could come over for  _ food!  _ I’m a  _ great  _ fucking cook!” 

For some reason, this only made everyone laugh harder, with Chandler offering Joey a hand to help him up. Joey kept pouting, but accepted the hand. 

The buzzer sounded, loud and obnoxious, and Chandler let go of Joey’s hand to saunter over to answer it like he owned the place. “Please don’t do that again, it’s a horrible noise.”

_ “Uh… this is Paul?” _

Monica straightened up in her seat and started waving her hands “let him up, let him up!”

Ross turned to his sister in amazement. “Paul like Paul the  _ wine guy  _ Paul? Your date is with Paul the wine guy?”

“Who’s Paul the wine guy?” Rachel asked, and Phoebe turned excitedly in her seat. “Paul’s a wine supplier at Monica’s restaurant! She has a major crush on him, and she’s been talking about him non stop!” 

“Oh  _ hush  _ you,” Monica said, affectionately ruffling Phoebe’s hair. Then she turned to Rachel “honey do you want me to stay? I can cancel.”

“No, no, you go enjoy your date! I’ll be fine!” 

Monica turned to Ross expectantly, and he couldn’t resist faking a sigh and saying “well it would be nice…” 

Monica blinked at him. “Seriously?”

Ross grinned. “Nah, go. It’s Paul the wine guy!” 

Monica beamed at him, kissing him on the cheek and racing to the door to let Paul in. Of course, the others followed her- that’s just what they  _ did,  _ followed each other, harassed potential dating partners. Especially for Monica. 

And for her part, Monica just sighed, opened the door, and introduced Paul to  _ everybody.  _

* * *

Ross’ new place was smaller than his old one, and the walls were a depressing off white, made complete by the lack of furniture. They’d all been at work for hours trying to build shelving units and coffee tables. Chandler sighed, rolling some sort of… screw? Some sort of  _ something  _ between his fingers 

“So I have to use these… wormy things into the square slots, but I see no square slots, I have no wormy things, and I can’t feel my  _ legs.” _

Joey snorted- He, of course, was the only one  _ actually  _ building things. Chandler nudged him. “Hey, Any clue what this is?” 

Joey shrugged, and Chandler pouted. “Your the handy one in this relationship, c’mon what do we do with this?” 

Joey gave him a long look, then plucked the screw thing out of his hand and tossed it in a plant pot. “This shelf is done!” 

Chandler bit back a snort, watching Ross climb to his feet to get him a beer. 

Joey looked around the sparse apartment, frowning. “Ross, Carol got the apartment, the good tv, most of the furniture, the microwave, the stereo- what  _ exactly _ did you get?”

Ross ducked out of the kitchen, blinking at them. “You guys?” 

“You got cheated, my friend,” Chandler said, and Ross sighed, coming out of the kitchen with a can of beer and looking sad. 

“Oh no-” Chandler and Joey said immediately, but Ross ignored them. “This was her favorite beer…” 

“Ross, buddy, I was there when you met her, that was your favorite beer too.” Chandler pointed out, and Ross looked like he was going to cry. 

“You know, you bring up a good point,” Joey said suddenly, frowning. “Ross, you met Carol in  _ college.  _ You’ve only been with one woman for seven years-“ 

Chandler coughed,  _ “ever”  _ and Joey turned to him, staring. “Seriously?”

“Can we get back to the part where you’re encouraging me?!” Ross interrupted, and Joey shook himself, turning back to him. “Right. One woman… ever. Okay. Look, you’ve been thinking that there’s only one person for your  _ entire _ life for seven years. And that’s just insane!”

Chandler pointedly cleared his throat, and Joey pointed at him without looking. “I was with other people before you, doesn’t count.” 

“Nice save,  _ hon,”  _ Chandler muttered, and Joey ignored him.  _ “Anyway,  _ it’s like- it’s like saying there’s one ice cream flavor for everyone! And now, you get to be open to all these new flavors! Mint chip, cookie dough, Bing!-“

He realized he had turned to Chandler, who cocked an eyebrow at him and looked at him pointedly. Joey turned back to Ross. “Cherry vanilla. Point is! You’re at the ice cream bar, man, grab a spoon!”

“You know how long it’s been since I’ve grabbed a spoon?” Ross muttered, “Also I don’t know if I’m hungry or horny.”

“Welcome to my entire existence,” Joey chirped happily as he patted Ross on the arm. “I’m gonna get a beer, you want one babe?” 

“Nah, I’m good-“

“You want juice instead?” Ross asked, and Chandler blinked, then muttered a yes. Joey laughed, kissed his cheek, and darted into the kitchen. 

Ross sighed. “See, I want that!” 

Chandler blinked. “Well jeez man I _offered_ and you were the one who was all ‘I’m not into guys-‘“

“Not a  _ boyfriend!” _ Ross said indignantly, and Chandler rolled his eyes. “Joe! I change my mind, get me a beer!” 

“Oh, Chandler for the love of-“ Ross sighed, sitting down on the floor. “I mean I want my  _ soulmate,  _ man. I mean- look at you two!” 

Chandler blinked up at Joey, who was handing him his beer. Joey shrugged at him, then turned to Ross. “Whaddya mean?” 

“You’re so- domestic! You live together, you’re practically married!” 

“We are not-“ Chandler and Joey started protesting, and Ross held up his hands “oh give the commitment issues a rest, I just… I want what you two have.” 

“... well.” Joey started, and Chandler sighed. “I mean, that Rachel girl… is she  _ the  _ Rachel? Who you never shut up about? She who walks on water?”

“I never said she walks on water, I said she walks on sunshine and it reflects off her hair,” Ross said dreamily, then Joey snorted and Ross looked up at him. “And I was also very  _ very  _ drunk, and you are never to repeat that.” 

“Are you kidding? I’m telling Monica!” Joey laughed, and Chandler snorted. 

Ross sighed, ignoring them. “I mean. I don’t know if Rachel is  _ the _ Rachel, I always… I always thought she might be.” He tugged down his sleeve to see the messy scrawl on his arm. “But it’s been so long, I’ve been in love with her for so  _ long,  _ and she’s never… she’s never shown a  _ moment,  _ not even a  _ second look.  _ If my name is on her wrist, why wouldn’t she  _ say  _ anything?” 

Chandler shrugged. “Soulmates are a scary thing. You get the name of a stranger-“

“A stranger that you’re meant to be with  _ forever,”  _ Joey added solomely 

“And your  _ 13  _ and you suddenly are supposed to look for one person! It’s weird!” Chandler said, and Joey nodded in agreement. Chandler sighed. “Look, we’re one of the lucky ones. I know tons of people who didn’t get so lucky. Look at you. Look at  _ Monica.  _ Soulmates are fucked up.” 

“Yeah, maybe Pheebs has the right idea y’know?” Joey said, and Ross sighed, running his fingers over his name.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, not really believing it. “Maybe.” 

* * *

“So you broke her  _ watch?”  _ Monica asked, eyes wide, and Paul laughed. “Yeah, I did. Not a problem then?”

“I mean why stop there? I would’ve broken her leg!” Monica realized belatedly how psychotic that sounded, and counted her lucky stars when Paul laughed. 

Dating was… difficult for Monica. Always had been. She couldn’t blame her friends for being concerned, she  _ did  _ manage to find a lot of bums. But Paul seemed nice. Polite, well-spoken. 

_ Ultimate test.  _ Monica casually slid her wrists across the table, pushing her sleeve up her arm. Just like every guy on the planet, Paul’s eyes flicked down to her left wrist. She carefully watched the confusion, the shock- and was pleased when both were momentary, and when his first question was not about the lack of name. 

In fact, they managed another ten minutes before he casually said. “You know, I have something I don’t like to tell people on first dates.” 

Monica chuckled into her drink, smiled and said “well, I told mine.”

“Still, it’s more of a… fifth date revelation.” 

Monica couldn’t help but beam. “There’s gonna be a fifth date?” 

Paul laughed, and oh. Oh no. Monica was going to sleep with him, and she was gonna  _ enjoy it.  _

* * *

Joey couldn’t help waking up when Chandler rolled out of bed at 7:30 every morning. He whined and pulled a pillow over his head, and Chandler chuckled, running a hand down Joey’s back. Joey squirmed, bringing his arm up to grab at Chandler’s hand and drag him back to bed. 

Chandler snorted, and Joey grinned when he felt the mattress move. Warm lips hit the back of his neck and instead of something sweet, Joey’s soulmate decided to wake him up with  _ this  _ gem: 

“Joey, wake the  _ fuck  _ up, you lazy meatball.” 

Joey burst out laughing, trying to muffle it with his pillow. Chandler climbed out of bed. “I’m getting in the shower! If you want morning sex you’ll come with!” 

Joey briefly debated the merits of ten more minutes of sleep versus sleepy shower blowjobs, and ultimately decided to give himself the best of both worlds and settle for five minutes and drag Chandler into a make-out before they wandered over to Monica’s for breakfast. 

Sure enough, thirteen minutes later Joey was waiting in the living room when Chandler came out of the shower, wrapped in his robe with water dripping off his hair. Joey grinned and climbed to his feet to run over and kiss him. Chandler sighed and let him for a few minutes, then pulled away. “Morning breath, Joe. Go brush while I dress.”

“You don’t like my morning breath?” Joey pouted. Chandler rolled his eyes. “Walking away now, hon.” 

_ “Babe,”  _ Joey whined, but Chandler was already gone. Joey sighed and went over to Monica’s apartment. She had bread and eggs, so Joey went ahead and started making some eggy buttholes. He didn’t jump when arms wrapped around him from behind, shifting so that Chandler’s head could rest on his shoulder. 

Joey chuckled. “Tired?”

“Yeah. God, I’m gonna fall asleep at my damn desk. Are those bird baskets?” 

“You don’t get one unless you call them-“

“Eggy buttholes. That’s one eggy butthole.”

“Your damn right it is!” Joey cheered, and then leaned back to nuzzle him a little. A door opened behind them, and Chandler slipped away, turning to see Rachel coming out of Monica’s guest room in a robe. 

“Morning boys,” she yawned. “Is that breakfast I smell?”

“It’s an eggy butthole!” Joey called over his shoulder, and Chandler snorted, going for the coffee maker.

“Oh here! Let me, I’ve never actually made coffee before.” Rachel insisted, bustling Chandler out of the way. Chandler blinked, shrugged, and sat down. Joey glanced at him, grinning at the way Chandler adjusted his tie and fidgeted with his buttons. 

Joey set out the plates, Rachel got the juice and then set out the coffee. Chandler watched them, yawning. “I should’ve run out and grabbed a newspaper.”

“Do you guys always come over for breakfast?” Rachel asked, and Chandler shrugged “Only when we’re too lazy or too broke to go shopping.”

“Or we just want Monica to cook for us.” Joey added, “Cook us breakfast and lunch and dinner and snacks and dessert-”

“So basically any day ending in a y,” Chandler interrupted, and Joey placed the first Eggy Butthole on the table in front of him. Rachel glanced at it and smiled “oh, bread bowls! My mom used to make them all the time-”

“Eggy butthole,” Joey corrected, and Chandler snorted at the look on her face. Then Rachel blinked and shrugged. “Coffee’s ready, how do you guys take it?” 

“Sugars in that jar, two scoops and no milk please,” Chandler said, pointing. Rachel turned to hand it to him, but he shook his head and gestured to Joey, who accepted the cup gratefully. Rachel grinned “aw, that’s cute. You know each other’s coffee orders.”

“Just give Chandler the milk carton, trust me on this,” Joey winked at her, and Rachel swooned a bit, just like everyone did when Joey gave them attention. She obediently passed the milk to Chandler, who yawned and created his usual milk monstrosity. They cheersed, sipped, and Joey would’ve laughed at the expression on Chandler’s face if he wasn’t too busy choking. The coffee was burnt and strong, and Joey tried to hide it from Rachel, but he wasn’t sure how successful he was. 

Before Rachel could ask them how it was, Monica’s door opened, and she walked out, beaming. Joey and Chandler shared a look and spit out their coffees into their cups, setting them to the side. 

“Morning Mon! Hey, I made coffee! And Joey made- Uh-“

“An Eggy butthole,” Monica said, sighing. “It’s Joey’s go-to breakfast. Other than doughnuts. He makes everyone say it, don’t feel special.”

Monica’s door opened again, and Paul walked out, still tying his tie. Joey blinked- so much for no sex. 

Paul nodded at them and crossed to the front door, talking with Monica about calling her and such. 

Joey slid the table closer for better eavesdropping, Chandler and Rachel helping. Of course, Monica let Paul go with a kiss and told them to put it back without even turning her head. Rachel giggled at their antics. “Hey, sweetie thanks again for letting me stay here. And letting me borrow your robe. And use your phone. And-”

Monica arched an eyebrow at her, and Rachel flushed. “Just- thanks.”

“Any time,” Monica replied, grinning. “And hey, if you need help liberating your stuff from Barry’s I'm sure the boys will help.”

“Absolutely!” Joey said, beaming at Rachel. “I don’t have any projects right now, I’m free if you wanna do it today.”

“Projects?” Rachel asked, and Joey puffed out his chest. “I’m an actor.”

Rachel smiled at him, and Joey could definitely see Ross’ whole thing with her. She really was gorgeous, and she  _ seemed  _ nice enough.

“Would I know you from anything?” Rachel asked, and Joey flushed, shrugging and looking down at his breakfast. “Nah, I mostly do local stuff.”

“Till he gets his big break,” Chandler said, grinning. “He was in wee ones Pinocchio. Look Gepetto! I’m a real boy!”

Joey shot him an irritated glare, and Chandler made a kissy face at him. Rachel tilted her head “so you all have these… job things?”

Joey blinked at her, and then remembered oh yeah, Monica and Rachel came from  _ rich  _ families. Chandler did too, technically, although he was pretty sure they’d been written out of Nora’s will. 

Chandler wiped his mouth on his napkin and said “yeah, and speaking of job things, I need to get to mine. If I don’t input those numbers… well, nothing will happen except me no longer having a job thing.”

Rachel snorted, and Joey clambered to his feet “I’ll walk you to the corner.” 

“You don’t have to, Joe. I’m a big boy.” 

“Yeah you are,” Joey replies instinctually, then clapped a hand over his mouth and looked from Chandler’s alarmingly pale face to Rachel. 

Rachel blinked. “What? By all means, don’t stop for my sake. You two are adorable.” 

Chandler slumped in relief, and Joey sighed. He’d assumed Rachel would be good, Monica wouldn’t be friends with someone who wasn’t, but with those rich types, you never knew- 

“Call the cops, I can hear you overthinking.” Chandler took a step forward and tugged him into a kiss. Joey grinned into it- Kissing was Chandler’s hidden talent. He was great at it. 

They stepped back from one another and Chandler patted him on the shoulder. “Have fun raiding the ex’s house.” 

Chandler turned to head out the door, and Joey was about to compliment him on his ass when Chandler started humming “oh when I was a wooden boy a little wooden boy-“

Joey turned to Monica and Rachel and gave them his most dangerous smile “please excuse me.  _ Chandler!” _

Chandler’s laugh echoed down the hallway, and Joey decided that oh yeah, that little tease was just gonna have to be late for work again. 

* * *

Rachel’s first full day of freedom was spent liberating her belongings from Barry’s house, courtesy of Joey Tribbiani and his uncle's pickup that smelled like garlic. 

She’d been hoping he was there, so she could apologize in person. In her heart of hearts, she knew it wasn’t Barry’s fault that she didn’t love him. He wasn’t, and Rachel managed to get her entire closet and personal belongings into the back of Joey’s truck. 

Afterward, Joey dropped her and her stuff off at the apartment before driving the truck back over the river, and Rachel went out to look for a job, only to realize that jobs tended to require training, and experience and she’d been raised to believe that she was going to have a rich husband her whole life, so she had neither. The depression set in quickly as the reality hit her- she was screwed. She’d just blown up her entire life, what was she supposed to do now?

Well. Her answer to depression had always been shopping. Forty-Five dollars and three hours of window shopping later, Rachel had boots that she’d convinced herself she’d earned, and she wandered back to the coffee shop to find Monica looking sadder than she did. 

Joey and Ross were there, and Phoebe. Chandler was missing. Joey was laughing at something, muttering how “I can’t believe you didn’t know it was a line.” 

As soon as Rachel walked over, Monica perked up, smiling at her. “Hey! How’d the job hunt go?” 

Rachel sighed “oh, I walked all over town, applied for a bunch of stuff…”

“Any luck?” Ross asked, and Rachel laughed “are you joking? I’m trained for  _ nothing!  _ But look at what I found! And they were on sale!” 

She pulled out her boots, and Monica blinked at her. Phoebe smiled “ooh, cute!” 

Rachel beamed at her, and Ross cleared his throat. “Uh, Rachel? How did you pay for those?” 

Rachel blinked. “Oh, uh, with my credit card. Why?”

“... and who pays for that credit card?”

Needless to say, an intervention was scheduled for a few hours later. Rachel was sat at Monica’s kitchen table, with Chandler next to her and Phoebe on the other side

“So explain once more what’s happening here?” Chandler asked, and Joey grinned, kissing his head. “Helping Rachel claim her independence.”

Rachel shook her head “nope nope nope, I can’t do this.” 

Her new friends immediately jumped to encourage her, telling her she could do this, and Phoebe jumped in and told her about her dead mom and how scary life in New York was. 

And then, they were chanting “cut cut cut cut  _ cut cut cut-“ _

And Rachel did, and it felt like she’d cut weights off her feet, and now she could sore up to the sky and do _anything._ She felt _free_ and it was terrifying and awful and exhilarating and wonderful.

Monica squeezed her shoulder. “Welcome to the real world! It sucks, your gonna love it.”  Phoebe cheered, Chandler made some sorta quip that made Joey grin from where his chin was sitting on his head. Ross beamed at her brighter than anything, and oh, Rachel was  _ home. _

**Author's Note:**

> please come check me out on Tumblr www.flamingbluepanda.tumblr.com
> 
> If you liked this, let me know, check out other stuff by me, I love you all!
> 
> See you next time!!


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